“Did You Have a Problem?” How to Answer This Common Question When You’re Cutting Back or Quitting Alcohol

(actually these are NA cocktails at the Ritz Paris)

At some point on your journey to drink less—or not at all—someone will ask:
“Did you have a problem?”

It might be said with concern, curiosity, or skepticism. Sometimes it’s whispered. Sometimes it’s shouted over a dinner table. And if you’re not ready for it, it can hit hard.

Early in my own experience, I wasn’t sure how to answer. I wanted to say, “How much time do you have?”

Because it’s a big question, and a loaded one. (No pun intended… or maybe a little.)

Why Do People Ask This?

Here’s something I encourage my coaching clients to remember: curiosity shifts us out of shame and into learning.

So rather than just bracing for judgment, let’s pause and ask:
Why do we ask this question in the first place?

If someone told you they were weaning off caffeine, sugar, sleep meds, or cigarettes, would you immediately ask, “Did you have a problem?” Probably not. In most areas of life, we can make a change without needing to justify it.

But with alcohol? The cultural script is different. The question is everywhere.

And that’s… interesting.

How Do We Define a “Problem,” Anyway?

I listen to a LOT of podcasts. Recently, I heard Joe Rogan, the uber-popular podcaster talk about quitting alcohol and he stated repeatedly that he didn’t have a problem or anything, just that he felt like utter crap the next day and for days after. And that’s not a problem?

Cheryl Strayed did the same thing on Glennon Doyle’s podcast. She didn’t have a problem, she said, and then she rattled off the laundry list of all the ways it was having negative consequences (lack of sleep, energy, motivation, and more brain fog and anxiety). In both cases, they had continued to do something for a long time despite it causing a lot of physical and mental discomfort. That sounds like it had become a problem.

Also, how many of us are able to get alcohol to do only what we want it to do (loosen us up? help us connect or celebrate?) and none of the stuff we don’t want it to do to us?! How accurate is this “cure”? And is that lack of accuracy a problem for you?

We know alcohol carries major downsides:

• It’s linked to seven types of cancer,

• It disrupts sleep, impairs memory, worsens anxiety,

• It contributes to more deaths each year than all other drug overdoses combined.
  And yet…

But it wasn’t the health risks that finally pushed me to change.

It was the quiet frustration. The stuckness. The sense that I wasn’t fully free.
That I kept repeating the same loop: promising myself I'd cut back, rationalizing, feeling disappointed, and pouring a glass anyway to take the edge off that disappointment.

Just maybe… the problem is alcohol and how we define “problem.”

Why This Question Feels So Personal

The clients I work with are gray-area drinkers. Their drinking doesn't raise red flags to others. Others around them might drink similar amounts. And they can take breaks.

And yet, when they take a break, that’s when they get questioned.

And I think that’s because culturally, we’ve divided alcohol use into two categories—“normal” or “problem.” And if someone isn’t drinking, our brains want to know which box to put them in.

People aren’t trying to be invasive; they’re trying to make sense of your decision—and maybe their own.

Ways to Respond Without Feeling Defensive

You don't owe anyone an explanation. But if you want to answer, here are a few ways that protect your energy and truth:

• “I wasn’t sleeping well and wanted to see how I’d feel without it.”

• “I was just tired of it being a habit.”

• “I’m wearing an Oura Ring and got curious about how alcohol affects my recovery and sleep.”

• “I just wanted to feel better, and this was one variable I could experiment with.”

Or if you’d rather not explain, you could say:

“I’m not sure I can give a concise answer to that right now, but I’m happy to share what I’ve noticed so far.”
Or simply:
“That’s a big conversation. What makes you ask?”

A Better Question to Ask Ourselves (and Each Other)

Rather than asking ourselves “do I have a problem,” we might learn more by asking:

• “How do I feel—and would I feel better with less?”

• “What might change if I had more energy, more memories and fewer regrets?”

• “What could be possible if I felt clear, rested, and empowered?”

And if someone you know shares that they’re taking a break from alcohol, a supportive response might be:
“That’s amazing—how are you feeling?”
Or even: “What have you noticed so far?”

The Takeaway

The first time someone asked me if I had a problem, I felt the need to over-explain. Now? I see it as an invitation to connect, model curiosity, reflect on my own evolution—and maybe, in some small way, help change the way we talk about alcohol.

Try This:

What would you like to say if someone asked you, “Did you have a problem?”

Write it down. Play with your wording. Find what feels true—and true to you.

If you’d like support finding your language and building confidence in these conversations, I offer free strategy sessions. Let’s talk.

And I’d love to hear from you in the comments:
Have you ever been asked about your drinking? How did you respond? What’s your favorite go-to answer?