How To Answer, “Did You Have A Problem?” When You’re Trying To Cut Back Or Quit

(actually these are NA cocktails at the Ritz Paris)

Why Do People Ask This?

At some point on the cutting back/quitting alcohol adventure, you will be asked the very pointed question…. “Oooooh/Yikes/Wow, did you have a problem?”

“Hmmmmm,” I might reply, sussing out the situation and deciding how much energy to give it. “How much time do you have? And how do you define the word problem?”

As you can see already, this topic is loaded (hahahah….alcohol humor!!).

I remember with pretty great detail two instances when I was asked this question. Even though it was years ago, I remember who asked, where we were, and what I said despite the fact that on a daily basis I can’t remember something just thirty minutes after I’ve told myself I want to remember it!

I suggest to my clients to operate with a framework of curiosity because it is an animating emotion and shifts our perspective outward rather than making something feel so personal. It also primes our brain circuitry for learning.

So it’s interesting, isn’t it, to get curious about why we ask this question. If someone tells you that they are weaning off cigarettes, coffee, an antidepressant, a painkiller or a sleep aid, do you ask them pointedly, and in front of others, “Wow, did you have a problem?”

Do you ask those questions of a stranger (as a doctor did to me on an airplane when he saw my business card)?

My clients are what we as a society would call moderate or grey-area drinkers. Their drinking doesn’t look like a problem to others, they can stop drinking here or there with no problem, and others around them might drink similar amounts (or more).

So if they continued to drink as they have been, no one would ask if they had a problem.

It’s only when they decide to take a break that they get challenged for having an issue.

And I completely understand why we ask a question like this. Societally, via our own families and via tv and movies, we’ve framed the narrative around alcohol use as either normal or problem-drinking.

And it’s NORMAL that human brains want to size things up and categorize them. The person asking is wanting to understand where their own drinking fits in.

‘

Three Types Of People Asking This Question

Here’s a generalization, based on coaching hundreds of people over the last six years and spending much of my waking time reading, listening and researching topics like this.

The person asking either:

-has little to no experience with drinking and just honestly doesn’t know what would make a person not want to do it anymore, like the 35-year-old Mormon I met once who was leaving the church and wanting to get acquainted with alcohol for the first time.

-is quite possibly over 50 years old. The younger generations don’t seem to ask this question. They are more willing to question status quo about everything and support people making changes for health or any other reason.

-is a grey-area drinker too and questioning their own drinking.

How To Respond Without Feeling Defensive

So…was my drinking “a problem?” Or did I just have a lower threshold for sleeping poorly and leaning on antacids, Advil and coffee first thing in the morning? And I’m hardly alone. 61% of U.S. adults aged 35–55 say they’ve considered taking a break from drinking this year (Gallup, 2024).

The person asking might be a friend, or a friendly stranger. I have no intention of embarrassing them or making anyone feel bad, including myself.

I stick to “I statements,” such as:

It felt like a problem for me. I wanted to sleep better (feel more energy, etc).

I felt like it was too much of a habit and I wanted to see how I felt without it.

I’m wearing an oura ring and wanted to see how my sleep was affected by alcohol.

But of course, you don’t owe anyone an explanation AND we tend to forget that most of what others say or ask is really about them. So before you answer in the assumption that you must defend yourself, you could say, “Can you repeat that?” “Or can you say more about that?” This combines two strategies I’ve learned from very different worlds. One is a bullying response tactic: ask them to repeat the question. Most people aren’t prepared for that — and it often makes them rethink it. The second tactic comes from a sales training: ask for more information about the question before you launch into a long reply or make assumptions about why they are asking.

The Take-Away

The first time I was asked this question, I felt a need to over-explain. And I admit the question stung just a bit, even though I was a certified coach and should have known that the person asking had been raised to think that you’re either a normal drinker or you have a problem — just like we all were — and that they are very likely just curious about their own drinking. Over time, though, the question stops feeling like a threat and starts feeling like an invitation — to connect, to model curiosity, to reflect your own evolution, and even to help change the way we talk about alcohol.

Practice Time

Write out exactly how you might like to respond to this question. We could discuss it during a free strategy session that I offer. And please leave in the comments an anecdote of a time you were questioned in any way about not drinking and how you felt, plus your favorite way to answer this question.