When What We “Think” We All Think About Alcohol Is Wrong

Speaking to a women’s networking group about the intersection of sober-curiosity, authenticity and beverage-market innovation at the female-founded Déja Bu non-alcoholic bottle shop and bar in Paris last week! Photo by @inspirelle_paris

I ran across the podcast episode of the year!

At most it will be once per year that I'd make a claim like that. And this is the one.

I listen to a range of podcasts about neuroscience and wellness — searching for frameworks, explanations, guides, maps and tactics that can make a very substantial difference in our lives....in our journey to freedom from alcohol but more so our journey of evolving into our best thriving selves.

I want results for my clients and for me!

This research-backed episode from Mel Robbins with Dr. Todd Rose is about a lot! It's about fitting in versus belonging. It’s about how human brains are wired to want to be with the herd. And how our brains aren't the best at truly understanding what the herd really believes. And how we sometimes operate under a Collective Illusion about what the herd believes. And we sometimes self-silence....even subconsciously....when we disagree or when we question the group-think, just in the name of fitting in and getting along. And we get a huge dopamine rush when we act in accordance with the group.

It feels safer to self-silence to keep the peace with the herd. I get it! When I realized that alcohol felt horrible, and that I felt too dependent on it, I was 20-years deep in the wine industry. I self-silenced because to question out loud felt like disloyalty, but even worse, it threatened my whole sense of identity as part of this group.

But that self-silencing comes with a dear cost. We sacrifice our authenticity and it makes us stop trusting others and ultimately makes us sick.

The great news is that we get a dopamine rush as well when we learn to speak our truth and live in alignment with our own core values. One tiny authentic action begets another and another until you are just truly magnetic to others. 

The second time around listening to this podcast, I was even more struck by how much this relates to the sober curious journey!

Is one of the greatest Collective Illusions of all time that we've made alcohol so all-important? So important that you feel left out if you don't drink it? That we've all bought into the idea that it makes us hotter and more fun (even though it’s a depressant?!)? That we’ve bought into the idea that drinking alcohol is just what adults DO….period! And that it’s perfectly safe if you put certain guardrails around it (although none of us know exactly which those are). And that if you can’t imbibe it regularly without negative consequences, then there must be something wrong with YOU.

(If that's TRUE for you -- that alcohol is purely wonderful, makes you more comfortable and relaxes you -- there is nothing wrong with that. I mean that.)

But my clients come to me because something feels off. It's no longer feeling true that alcohol is bringing them closer to the people they love. It's not making life bigger, more sophisticated or more fun. And they haven't dared share that with anyone....they've self-silenced, usually for years. I did the same. Because we think that speaking out would mean a rupture with the herd and our identity as a member of the group. We internalize that it means something is wrong with us. We tell ourselves, “since alcohol seems ok for the rest of the group and no one else is saying anything, it’s got to just be me and I’m too embarrassed to say anything.”

Just an hour ago, a client shared that the person she has viewed for decades as her ideal of the moderate drinker….someone to whom she wouldn’t have dared share that she personally was struggling with her relationship with alcohol…. confided to her that she has fatty liver and breast cancer.

And so I get to witness a miracle every day.

My clients are finally able to say, “Ohhhhh, so it’s not just me?!” And, then they graduate to realizing what their own body had been telling them for years….you’re not the culprit, alcohol is. Alcohol is by definition toxic to the body.

Once they see that this has all been a Collective Illusion and they stop shaming and blaming themselves, they are able to reconnect with their authentic selves. They find their voices. They draw boundaries and figure out what they actually like to do and what kind of life they want to live in this next chapter. They get excited about their next steps and adventures.

Far from the Collective Illusion we've been sold about sober people (boring/bored?), my clients are off having the time of their lives...traveling solo, racing cars, riding horses, being a grandparent they can feel proud to be, volunteering for causes they believe in and more.

During each of the free strategy sessions that I offer, I explain how my model is different because the "bullseye" to me is not reducing dependence on alcohol. The bullseye is helping my clients find or create their thriving self. Their authentic self.

Listen to the episode and let me know what you think. Please book a free strategy session if you're curious or have questions.